Special Holiday Edition of Lyin’ Cocksuckers

Turd Talk – You’re on the Bowl

Tonight’s topic, dropping a load, taking a shit. We don’t give birth, but we lay some spectacular pipe down there in the porcelain. Tonight we go Turd Talk. 20 years ago my buddy Country Dick Montana from the Beat Farmers. We had a dream to move from musicians to radio, and we went to a local San Diego radio station 91X and we said, Sunday, you don’t have anything on, you put on me and Country Dick and call it Turd Talk and when people call in we say “Turd talk, you’re on the bowl, tonight’s topic, floaters vs. sinkers.” It is now alive. It is here tonight. We’ll talk about everything having to do with taking a shit.

It is unbelievable how many topics and angles there are to turd talk. I literally have three yellow pads double spaced and each one is full of ideas and topics to do with turd talk. I know there are people out there with regular shits. There are people with wealth and well marbled monochromatic turds that release freely with minimal wiping and no discomfort. That’s not me. That’s not Mojo Nixon. This isn’t new either. This has been going on for 30 fucking years. I get in there and am sweating and spitting.

Ever had to take a shower after taking a shit? Ever take a shit that smells like gasoline? Sometimes my turds smell like a 100 old hobos feet in the back of a boxcar in 1935. Do your turds burn, not BBQ sauce burn, but Tabasco sauce burn. Ever have never ending butt piss? Let me tell you about my turds. Mine are angry and hateful. They are full of revenge. My turds’ goal is to come out with no form and somehow attach themselves to the front of my thigh.

Call 866-4-RAWDOG 4729364

Mine try to spatter their way to the front of my thigh. If they do that, they’re happy turds. Now you’re thinking maybe it’s my diet. The booze and pork and fried stuff. The hot sauce, the wild and free lifestyle. Friends this has been going on no matter how I live. Sometimes I’ll go a week, even a whole month and I’ll have regular turds at regular intervals with minimal wiping (in fact that’s one of the topics for tonight, wiping.)

Do you use toilet paper, shower, medicated wipes or the ass towel? I was a touring musician and in hotels a lot. And I gotta tell you that the hand towel. When toilet paper isn’t enough, that hand towel comes in handy. Now my turds are everywhere and my ass is raw cause I got that burn. Hemorrhoids. First I started using the ass-towel and then I moved on to preparation H medicated wipes. No they aren’t a sponsor, but they should be. It’s like a baby wipe with some cooling gel and a little medication on it. It gets up in the nooks and crannies. As you get older you get more nooks and crannies. We’re going to talk all about those gnarled up turds. Sometimes it is like a big cigar.  Others you want your friends to see. I call those the “hey dude look at this” turd. When you let one of those big ones go, you feel special don’t you? I’m not lying. You have an inner glow when you let a giant one out. You say look at what I’ve done. It is so big that it has little ones orbiting around.

I had a piano player, Wet Dawg, he’s down at the Continental Club down in Texas. He’s a skinny guy. He could tread water in a hose pipe. Wet Dawg he’d wipe his ass and it sounded like someone shaking maracas. (rapid swishing sounds). I don’t know what he was doing. We’ll talk about wiping techniques. I’ll tell you about the rock club that had hot water in the toilet bowel by accident and how that loosened everything up. We’ll talk about reading material, laxatives, Imodium AD. And the three words that no one wants to hear. Four actually. Blood in your stool. We’ll also talk about how now that I’m 50 I have to have that camera shoved up my ass to make sure everything is OK. Thanks a lot. Great I made it to 50 and now I get a camera up my ass.

I have taken some shits in some crazy places all around the world. The Pavlov’s butt syndrome. Know how you get older my turds have gotten narrower. It’s like the turd walls have gotten thinner. Seen little kids turds. They’ll be as big around as your arm. Softball like turds.  And I have these long narrow guys. Most of the time there’s no shape, but when there is they’re long and skinny. Should I get an enema? Should I go to one of those places where they shove water up my ass? I’m afraid. See the body is a self regulating mechanism. And I’m afraid if I was to take that old fecal matter that is lining the walls, 50 years of build up, I’m afraid if you take that build up off, something else is going to go wrong.

And we’re going to talk about hemorrhoids. I know you all don’t want to hear blood in your stool or prostate exam, here’s another one you don’t want to hear. Hemorrhoid suppository. That preparation H stuff you get it on your hands and you can’t get it off and you smell like an old man. When them hemorrhoids get to itching, you want to itch them but you can’t. Do not itch your hemorrhoids. Once you start, you can’t stop and your whole hand will be covered by ass juice and blood and dingle-berries. Once you start, you can’t stop. It is like a dog. I’ll tell you, the inside of my ass has itched so bad, here’s what I wanted to do. I wanted a power drill and put the thing on slow and duct-tape a toothbrush to it and then I wanted to ease that in slowly rotating  toothbrush. But I knew if I did that I’d start liking it and next thing I knew I’d be sucking dick for dimes down at the bus station.

Mark in FL
Mo – You’re on the bowl.
Mark’s got some audio problems and can’t hear Mojo.

Ryan in Montana
R – I was just listening to the show about taking a shit there and thought it was fairly excellent and had a random comment. My girlfriend lives in this house that’s old school and has a toilet with low flow which is interesting. The extremely interesting aspect about it is that any time anyone takes a shit in it, it smells up the whole house because it has no water in the toilet. So it doesn’t do the whole “disguise the smell” mechanism.
M – So you’re saying when someone drops a load it is a stink bomb for the whole house.

Let me tell you about my grandma. My momma’s momma. She was a big woman. 6 ft tall and liked to eat. But as she got older she had a harder time getting around. My granny didn’t exercise, she was bedridden.  So she only took a shit like once a week. This is when I was a little kid like six or seven.  She was living with us and not going to the bathroom. She’d drink mineral oil to try to loosen up the insides to get one to come through . So once a week when a woman who never exercises and eats a lot of food and takes one of these mineral oil shits, it would be the biggest turds you ever saw. It was so big a picture of it weighed 50 pounds. I’d tell that turd to haul ass and it’d have to take two trips. So I’m not making this up, my daddy and my uncle who also helped to take care of my granny they had to have a shit called the “shit busting stick” next to the toilet to bust up her giant hard turd so they’d go down the toilet. When she flew down to Atlanta to visit my aunt…they had to send the shit busting stick with her.

Chris in AL
C – I am glad I found another man that enjoys talking about shit as much as I do. I drive a truck and stop at truck stops frequently, so I’m probably one of the most regular men in the US. My turds are so huge I give them names. Like Frank, Bob, Robin, whatever. I have to take pictures and send them to my friends.
M – you have one of those cell phones with a camera?
C – yea
M – do you have a ruler or something to sit in the bowel to show how big they are.
C – nah, they’re so big you don’t have to shove anything down in the bowl there.
M – now these big turds. They have a lot of wiping or just a minimal amount?
C – they come out pretty solid, there isn’t a lot of wiping that has to happen there.
M – a lot of times, I think I’m done and then I get one half out and then I’m wiping all day. With one of those hanging chads.
C – I love shitting so much and I love Christmas. I made a list of all the people I hate and what I plan to do is use these 10 Christmas boxes specially lined with plastic and in a week I’m going to fill every one of them up and UPS them to all my favorite people.
M – So you’re combining shit and Christmas into one event.  You are the perfect listener for Turd Talk.

Plays Jingle Smells

All this talk, I had to go into the bathroom (flushes). Broadcasting from the shack by the sea and we’re talking about taking a shit. We realize most of you will be men. Any women call and they’ll go to the front of the line. Any women with balls enough to come onto turd talk will get  put in the front of the line .

James in Orlando
J – It’s like 70 degrees outside and I took a deuce and it is steaming. My buddy comes in and checks it out and confirms it is steaming. It isn’t cold.
M – Maybe it was steaming because it was humid or you have some steaming ass shit. Did it have a particular smell that non-steaming has?
J – it was raw. I got it on the top of the bowl so only half in and half out of the water, it just stunk.
M – that’s like those EU toilet with those shelves. It isn’t in the water, its like a turd is in the room.
J – That’s how you stink out a place. Get it on the rim of the bowl.
M – now at home does your shit steam.
J – I haven’t looked. I only look at work.
M – maybe your boss is making you steaming mad.
J – I think he is.
M – I was talking how my bowels are messed up. I had this 30 years ago when I was 20. I was working in a bike shop in San Diego and my boss would complain that I spent so much time in the toilet than any man he knew. Like he was trying to shame me in.
J – I go to work, first thing I do is head to the bathroom. I get paid for doing my stuff.

Lloyd in CA

L – I’m in SF. Yesterday I went to a Thai rest and this morning I’m paying for it.
M – Singing Ring of Fire the Johnny Cash song?
L – it’s like someone took a blow-torch to me.
M – if you lit a match would it be a 5’ flame. Was it bubbling at all.
L – I should wrap it up for Halloween
M – next time are you going to get that same super spicy food.
L – hell no. I was over the bowl laying on the floor and it was just seeping out.
M – sometimes you’re sitting on the toilet and you feel you need to throw up and you have to decide. One time I ended up shitting in the trash can and puking in the toilet. I was jumping around.
L – It was so hot I was trying to get it out with toilet paper to get it from burning the rim.
M – you need the ass-towel or preparation H.

Don in Philly
D – I had a similar experience with corn with cantaloupe. I ate the whole thing and the whole thing came out in the bowl. Nothing digested. Thought I saw the rind. Gotta take a pencil in to bite on so the girls in the office won’t hear you screaming.
M – what do the girls think when you come out all sweating.
D – for some reason they all go out to smoke, even though none of them smoke.

Comedy break with Eddie Murphy

It was the fall of 1982 and I Mojo Nixon and two friends rode bikes from San Diego to Danville VA. We were in Franklin LA and spent the night in a Catholic church yard. It was a Saturday night and we were in pretty good shape. We went out to a bar and on the way to the bar I bought a thing of Fig Newton’s, ate the whole package and then had about 10 beers. Didn’t get laid, went back to the church and went to sleep. As the people going to the first mass were heading in, I really had to go. The Fig Newton’s, beer and bike riding were getting to me. I could feel one brewing, knocking at the door. Scouts were reconnoitering. I was touching cotton. A turtle head. So it is 5-6a on a Sunday and I need to go right now I see an elementary school a little up and behind it is woods. I figure I’ll go up there and there’ll be a cubby hole or something where no one will see me. I go back, park my bike and pull down my pants and just let go. Fig Newton’s come flying out.  And I look up and see that what I thought was part of the elementary school must have been part of someone’s house and they have a great big picture window in the back and there’s a guy staring out the window pounding on it “Hey motherfucker” pound-pound. He’s beating on the window and I’m trying to pull up my pants and get the last turd out of there, and I gotta watch where I step because there’s a whole lot of turd. He’s staring at me taking the shit and apparently I’m in his side yard there and he’s like putting his shirt on and getting is shotgun, “It’s 6am and someone shitting in my side yard.”
I get on my bike and get my two friends, and they were just leaving the church and I told them I’d see them at the edge of town. I was like Lance Armstrong.

Mike in Iowa
Mi – I’m laughing my ass off. It’s colder than my ex-wife’s heart up here.  I drive a truck and when we take a shit it is called giving birth to a dispatcher.  I bet you can use that in a lot of lines of work.  Sometimes they lock up the bathrooms late at night, so you have to go commando on a neighbor you don’t like.
Mo – you’re vulnerable there, like a caveman. That’s when the animals used to attack us back in Africa. Also when you’re young you can hold it. Now, if I feel one coming, I’ve got a 5 minute window and it is coming out whether I want it to or not.
Mi – you aren’t right.

BJ the DJ in Nixon TX
BJ – I used to be a radio DJ on the weekend and was a professional firefighter during the week. Irritable colon got me
M – I’ve got it. But I won’t go to the doctor unless there’s bone sticking out.
BJ – I’ve got some tips.
M – lay them on me
BJ – Doctor told me to get some Metamucil, the old kind with a lot of fiber. Take two spoons at night and a real big one comes out in the morning.
M – a friend of mine tried to get me to do that.
BJ – I also took a glove – wondered why my wife did that as a nurse. If you feel it getting all hard there, grease it up and things will slide right out.
M – I thought about reaching up there to pull one out, but I didn’t. But you’re saying I should grease it up before the flume ride.
BJ  - also some good old greasy BBQ sausage. It helps to lube it up.
M – I’m covered in that stuff.

Deborah in Mancico CA
D – My husband had me call. He just called about the Thai food. We just had a baby about 10 days ago
M – congrats
D – her name is Molly. With every contraction I’d take a shit. The nurses had to come in and wipe me off
M – diarrhea or solid chunks
D – I wasn’t looking. I’ve had three kids. We’re done
M – its like those people with twins, they’re always tired. Falling asleep on park benches and stuff.
D – that’s a breeze compared to what I’ve got.

Comedy break

Carbonite ad

We’ve been known to drop the kids off at the pool.  When babies are breast feeding and take a shit it smells like peanut butter, it barely smells like a turd. That same baby 3-6 weeks later on formula and the shits smell like old man shits. Smell like gasoline and old socks.

Adrian in Chicago.
A – Big fan, love the show every Thursday night. I want to talk about the shit sprint. When you know your schedule. You have dinner and are fine, but you get home and stick your keys in the door and you have to take a shit right off the bat.
M – that’s because you’re in the safe shitting territory.
A – exactly. Your mind is sitting there all relaxed, but you aren’t quite to the bowl yet. If you had a stop motion camera this shit is already coming out before you’re 6” from the bowl.
M - It misses your pants by a microsecond and you hear splashing long before your ass hits the set.
A – from beginning to end that’s the shit sprint big time

Two quick stories. Speaking of water going up your ass. I was at the beach, Holden beach NC. Took a long walk, probably 5 bologna sandwiches and had to take a shit. I’ll go out in the ocean, I was about 20 working at the pavilion. Figured I’d get far away, but every time I’d get far enough out and about to take a shit, my ass would open up and start taking on water and close back out. So I had to keep swimming out some more takes my pants off and stick my ass up in the air and take a shit while swimming sideways. If I’m lying I’m dying.

Another story. I used to be a band Mojo Nixon and the Toad Liquors. We did these Tours of TX. And my band lived in Austin. Thursday in Houston, Friday in Dallas and Saturday in Austin for a month. We had someone we could buy some portable snortables from. We’d go to her house on Wed afternoon, or some day, and if you do a lot of drugs, it makes you take a shit right away. In fact Country Dick who this show’s dedicated to, he wanted to have Country Dick’s Bump and Dump back when drugs were legal. You could do a line of speed and take a great big shit. So just going to this person’s house I had a Pavlov dog that was Mojo’s ass. Just knowing we were going to score I had to run to the bathroom.

Bill in Santa Rosa.
B – The best shit is the Darwin. It is walking out of the water, feel like you gave birth.
M – you feel proud and elated on the inside. A religious conversion.
B – you’re stomach is relaxed. I have heartburn and take Zantac and it gives me diarrhea. The other day I finally had a good solid one and a good 4-5” were sticking out I got my camera and wife and made her look at it. Someone has to see the glory.

This has been a very special holiday edition of Lyin’ Cocksuckers. I didn’t know how people would respond. I had a good idea, but wasn’t sure. But it has worked out better than I thought. I didn’t tell my bosses I’d do this. Maybe we’ll do this once a month or every couple of months.

Close things out with Jingle Smells.


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