August 2nd Lyin' Cocksuckers Show.
(Sorry about the delay, Mojo’s birthday got a bit in the way of getting this up)
Starts on time this week - Aparently no one in NY overslept this week.
Party at Mojo’s.
It is Mojo’s 50th birthday.
Hut, Rick, Mick. Walter, Eddy Fingers from Cinncinati Mojo’s old radio partner.
Mojo was Born Aug 2nd 1957. It is unbelievable he’s still alive. He was a touring musician and a psychotic nut job. He should be deader than a doornail. He made up in the past that no oldest male in his family has ever lived past 50. But he looked it up and it is TRUE. His dad died at 48, his daddy died at 47. Tonight we’re talking about Mojo being old.
Eddy – You know why your daddy died at 48, because he wanted to.
When you turn 30 you think you’re old, but you aren’t. When you hit 50 you are fucking old. Mojo’s mom asked him to take this time to reflect straighten up and act right and become a mature adult. Watch what he eats, go to the dentist, wear long pants and exercise.
Background. Mojo watches what he eats, so does everyone else in the room. He sees it on the way out.
Mojo has gray hair. He moved his belly aside and there was a gray pubic hair down there. His belly rubbed the rest of them off. For his birthday Mojo wants… He got some good stuff, BBQ ribs, a Padres Hawaiian shirt.
Wants Rove, Gonzalez Rummy, Wolfowitz, Cheney and others in a pit and mojo wants to stand above it and pee in it after a day of drinking. He wants Bush to go on TV and take a lie detector test on live TV.
Background – everyone from Texas believes their own bullshit.
At 50 you need the ass probe. Mojo isn’t going to the doctor and he won’t exercise. You can eat right and exercise, but you’re still going to die. Mojo is going to die happy. (Background but you aren’t happy now. You’re pissed off. The only think that sustains Mojo is skid roper. He’s still living off Skid’s legacy)
Mojo – it is his hate of Skid that keeps him alive. Mojo and Skid worked well together, but personally they didn’t connect. Mojo doesn’t know him after 8-9 trips in a van across the country. Mojo’s original name for Skid was Voodoo Agnew but he didn’t like it. Skid Roper is the Zodiak killer. No one’s ever seen them together.
Eddie - Skid Roper wanted it as Elvis is everywhere, but Mojo wanted Liberace is everywhere. Mojo took Skid’s song since Skid thought Elvis was cooler.
Know why Liberace is so nice, because he doesn’t want to fuck you.
Mojo’s hair looks good. He may weigh 500 pounds, but his hair is great. Someone wants to know who told Mojo about the gray pubic hair since he hasn’t seen down there. Mojo used a full length mirror.
Patrick in TN.
Patrick is celebrating his 35th. Does mojo remember 35. No everything after 1992 is a giant blur.
Mojo remembers some things from the 1980’s because that’s when he was trying to get ahead.
Eddie – no I meant 1935. Him and Orson Wells sitting around the radio together.
Tom in Richmond VA
From Richmond calling to wish him a happy birthday. Mojo has a sister, Jane, down in Richmond who needs to get married. Guy is married, but want to meet her. Mojo thinks that’s not a good idea. Tom wants to send him BBQ. Mojo went to Phil’s BBQ near the sports arena (football stadium). Almost as good as old Leon’s BBQ in SF. It tastes like candy. It’s the best.
Leon’s had this “Sauce of the Future”. Leon got ripped off, then he went into the chapel and the ministry and someone ripped off all his money, then he went back and opened up Leon’s BBQ again and made another million dollars.
Mojo – So his sauce went back into the future? Used doc in the future machine to take him back and get the sauce.
Rick says hi. Lloyd will be 70 at the end of the year. Lloyd listens to Mojo every day on Outlaw Country. Lloyd is going to be down there on Saturday for the party. His son used to customize the vans for Mojo and Country Dick’s touring vans.
Mojo is now 50, not turning 50. Play the comedy bit before he kills someone.
Ashley Madison.com When monogamy becomes monotony
Bitchtalk.com commercial An adult site offering adult conversations
Every time Mojo say’s he’s 50. Everyone oooooooooold’s
What else makes Mojo’s dick hard beside Phil’s BBQ. George Jones makes it hard. At Mojo’s stage, taking a shit makes his dick hard. Eddie Fingers from EBN in Cincinnati starts telling a story of when Mojo sharted one day. Mojo thought it was just a scout looking to reconnoiter the perimeter but he was fooled and it was oozing out the side. He shit his pants in the Cincinnati studio. Was just two thimbles of shit is shitting your pants. Liquid shit. An untrained fart. So Mojo takes his pants off and is naked from the waist down. No underwear at 5:30am. The serious new s guy from WLW comes into the bathroom where Mojo’s trying to wash his pants out, and Mojo just says “Sorry I just shit my pants” as plain as though he’s apologizing for having a booger hanging from his nose. That news guy just left the news business last week and has entered the Christian Youth Ministry.
It was 5:36am and Mojo didn’t feel sick. It was early. Friends “ if two thimbles is OK, what is it not shitting your pants ” Mojo – 3 thimbles. Who measures these turds.
Mojo has a turd measuring stick with a thimble on the end. For the last 3 years he’s sworn off toilet paper and (background “no shit”) uses Preparation H medicated wipes. Toilet paper is not his friend. Toilet paper is the enemy. TP rubs Mojo all wrong. Mojo wants to talk about his turds more. That was his original thought for a talk show with Country Dick and Mojo, “Turd Talk You’re on the Bowl” Every Sunday night men could talk about their shit. “Tonight’s topic, Floaters vs. Sinkers.”
The Cannonball his 13 year old dropped a load the other day and forgot to flush. Mojo thought that was as big around as Mojo’s arm. And Mojo’s turds are all skinny. Why? Because he has all that Elvis impacted turds. Mojo may have to get an enema. This is the problem of when you turn 50. You start worrying about the consistency of your poop.
Philip in OR
Has a turd story. He’s a truck driver. He walked into a toilet that someone didn’t or couldn’t flush. He saw a turd that was so big it could have taken its own shit. Giantturds.com Mojo’s idea for a new website. [already taken]
Wen in Ontario Canada
Drink some Canadian beer. Get a Labatt’s 50. Mojo’s more of a gin and tonic guy. Mojo is Carbo loading. It isn’t drinking. He likes gin and tonics. Saw Mojo with Skid out at U of Western Ontario.
Call in 866-4-Rawdog 729364
Mike in IA
Wishes a happy Birthday.
Mojo’s having a party Saturday night with an open bar. And he’s going to give everyone a .22 pistol with 5 shots in it. He won’t be alive on Sunday. 70 people, 5 shots a piece. That’s 350 shots in Mojo. That should kill any drunk man.
Sirius Ad. Important that they advertise on their own service.
Mojo’s 50th birthday party live on the air. Mojo’s perverted posse is there. The poontang is there now, including the Bride of Mojo or as he likes to call her “The Long Suffering Bride of Mojo. When Mojo turned 40 he did a show in LA at Jack’s Sugar Shack and he got drunk and halfway through every song he would just start chanting “I’m fat, fucked up and 40”.
Mojo drove back to his hotel and almost crashed his car. Woke up and the door was half open, the guitar was still in the door and the Santa Ana winds were drying things out. He woke up and apparently he’d been drooling. He woke up and there was a drool bridge from his lip all the way down to the pillow and in the bridge were ants drinking his drool trail. He was mighty unhappy driving back to San Diego that day. Now 10 years later he’s still fat and fucked up, but now he’s 50.
Eddie - When was the last time Mojo had quality protein in his diet besides the ants, or when did he last blew Skid Roper.
Mojo – when a man puts a toothpick in your mouth, sometimes all you can do is pick your teeth.
Wants Eddie Fingers to tell more stories, but he already used his shitting himself story.
About 20 years ago he (someone) was in LV and gets a call from Mojo and wants to be picked up from the airport. He has a 24 hr date with Country Dick Montana. Tower Records Magazine had a contest and the “Winner” got a date with them. Mojo had this woman on the stage and bombed in San Diego or Vegas (the story is hazy and timelines are blurred). Mojo is bombed and has been with this woman for 15 hours. The bride of Mojo was there also. They had some white lines in front of them (these were the bad days), and the woman asks what happens if you’re asthmatic. The Bride of Mojo says “well you’ll be dead in a second.” That girl was then poured on the airplane. She’d never had mushrooms, but they had them with Mojo and Country Dick at the Liberace museum. Then they went downtown looking for one of the shrimp places and they lost her. They can’t find the winner. Adaire (Bride of Mojo) finds her in the bathroom with her pants at her knees pleading, “I’m done”. She was waiting for her royal wipers, that’s how high she was.
So they’re at the airport waiting to pick up Country Dick and they all look like they’ve been up for 48 hours and guess who is now being escorted out by the authorities because he’d been drinking on the Tram? You aren’t supposed to drink on the tram. In Clark country you can drive in the car with an open container (not drive and drive) but not drink the tram.
So they get the girl on her plane, and then waiting for Country Dick’s plane, Country Dick goes into some small closet near gate 28 like place for like 5 minutes thinking it was his gate. No idea what he was doing in there.
Now looking for some stories from the womenfolk.
The bride of Mojo – Been married for 800 years. Mojo promised when 25 years ago that he would die by 43, Richard Petty’s car number. She’s pissed he’s still here. Life insurance is current, but now long does she need to deal with this crap. She loves him. But, she’s obviously not in it for the money, but she’s been waiting forever. This is making guys in the studio cry. Titanic references fly. The Bride just tried to kill Mojo the other day. She cleaned the tub and made it all slick and then washed her hair and didn’t clean the soap out of the tub. Mojo the fat fuck goes in and falls ion his ass like a 50 year old man. Bride – you’re bitching I keep the bathroom too clean?
Mike in Redwood city
Everyone is saying oooooooooooold.
Mike thinks he needs a 3 hour show like this. But maybe Mojo is too old to deal with that. Mojo reminds him he does a 3 hour show on the NASCAR channel. But Mike wants to hear stories and stuff like this not about cars. The bride begged to get married and they got married on a go-cart. She said he would get married even f he was wearing a foghorn leghorn suit. Mojo used to say he didn’t need to church to sanctify his love.
Adaire was a beautiful bride. Mojo says to her, “speak into the microphone.” She’s heard that before. The wedding was fun she doesn’t regret it. And the money that she married him for is finally starting to come in. Mojo reminds them about “Butt Crack the Movie” and to buy it to supplement his other meager royalty checks. Like his $7 royalty checks for Mario Brothers.
Quicken loans Ad. Have a mortgage payment that’s too big.
Looking to spice things up in the bedroom? Go to Adameve.com and for a limited time get 50% off many items.
Mojo got the women to leave. They were all uppity talking alimony and marriage. Mojo can’t tell the station number of 104, proving that he’s 50.
Mojo has a question for everyone. He and Mitch used to be in a band called The Syndicate of Soul back in the day. This was after the “Sonic Love Jug.”
We could have spent the billion dollars on the male morning after pill that is good for up to three states away rather than the war. Eddie Fingers, what would you spend a billion dollars on? Eddie would spend it on himself. Mojo thinks everyone should get 2 more inches of dick.
Eddie – Mitch you’re already complaining that it hurts too much now.
Keith in Ontario.
Harper is like Canada’s version of Bush. Probably went over and sucked Tony Blair’s dick too. Thanks Mojo for telling the truth
James in GA
Everyone sings James.
Eddie - In typical Mojo fashion, Mojo rhymed James with JAMES.
Eddie thinks Mojo doesn’t have it anymore. Saw him 8 years ago and Mojo forgot words to a song he wrote while a guy was holding cue cards.
I might be old but I’m going to kick your ass. Song.
Tie My pecker t my leg .
But doesn’t remember the words, or not all of them.
Comedy clip by Chris Rock