Friday Jan 19th show
No Bush and No IRAQ or anything that has to do with them. [ed. well other than this] Mojo will wait till after the state of the union next week.
Mojo wants to have 5-10 simple questions about Iraq for next week.
Mojo can’t talk about the Libby trial, why, because they were lying about Iraq. He can’t talk about hardly anything in DC because it largely traces back to Bush and Iraq.
So what will this show be about? American Idol. American Idol is BS. It is why Bush got reelected. AI is a lie. It is rigged, it isn’t a contest and it isn’t singing.
For you deaf and dumb screwballs, it has nothing to do with talent. The Bride of Mojo loves it, but that doesn’t make it right. All these reality shows are rigged. They aren’t a contest. Survivor has writers, so does American Idol. They not only have producers and directors and makeup people. They have writers. They want you to keep to a story line. They’ll use the editing and the cameras and the makeup and wardrobe, they want you to pick the winner they want. They want you to think you’re involved. There is a script being written behind the scenes. Much is filmed months in advance.
Say there are two people who are both young and relatively good looking. You can get one to win by giving them better quotes, singing a better song (more suited to them, or one that everyone likes). At this point they are just karaoke singers, no different from the guy down the street singing the Lynyrd Skynyrd song. Now they aren’t Ronnie Van Zant, but they aren’t too bad.
Want to make them lose, give them a song that doesn’t fit their style, put some worse quotes on the TV program. 40 million people are lied to on Fox. Real reality is boring. Reality makes you drink and take drugs. Who’s counting the votes, they guys in Florida and Ohio?
American Idol is a diversion.
These people aren’t singers. A real singer can sing a song you’ve never heard before with acoustic instruments backing them and make you care about the song, remember the song and go home whistling it.
Take a Stevie Wonder song. If you go out and sing a Stevie song really well all you’re doing is mimicking him.
Mojo Nixon is a real singer. He may not sing well, but he gets a song across. He can make you feel alive, sad, horny. A live entertainer can make you feel. American Idol is karaoke. “Brown Eyed Girl” is a song that a huge number of people have an emotional attachment to. If you want to impress Mojo, sing a song he’s never heard before and make him care about it. No one will go to a record song to hear a crappy version of a Temptations song. If you want to hear a Temptations song, go to the store to buy the Temptations.
They’re doing songs by people who’ve sung tens of millions of records. Who cares about the format. Even do a Creedence song, Mojo loves Creedence, but even if you sing it well, it isn’t impressive, it is still karaoke. All a real singer does is inflect their personality on a song, their own style. Otis Redding started out imitating Sam Cooke, but he eventually developed his own style.
Mojo thinks the three judges are the Three Stooges. Randy, he has no basis. He was in Journey, Journey sucked to hell, them and Styx. Journey was kinda cool until Steve Perry got in there.
Paula Abdul, she’s a dancer. A cheerleader and a dancer. She may or may not have been singing on her records. They aren’t interested in getting a song across, her an Madonna, they’re interested in shaking their ass across the screen.
Simon Cowell. He’s never bought a Bob Dylan record and thinks Dylan sucks.
Simon can kiss Mojo’s hairy ass.
Bob Dylan’s like a Rolling Stone. –
That song was about Simon. Hacky McHackerson.
Mojo’s a hillbilly from Danville Virginia, born in Chapel Hill NC. Mojo’s talent is BS. When god came along, he told mojo that his talent would be his gift of gab.
He’s always looking for new phrases.
His wife’s friend said the next day when looking a little hung over “I feel I got eat by a bear and shit off a cliff”
Mojo’s has adopted some “I aint scared of nothing but spiders and dry counties” where Mojo’s old one is “I ain’t afraid of nothing but Hitlers and snakes” that he got from Lighting Hopkins who invented the boogie shuffle from ZZ Top’s La Grange.
Also from Lighting, in a TV special, he turns his head, stomps his feet and then if you look closely; you see his teeth are flying out of his mouth.
Back to the book. “If you buy that you might as well shove money up a wolf’s ass and watch him run up over the hill”
“He couldn’t hit water if he was standing on a boat” which mojo changes to “He couldn’t hit water if he fell out of a boat.”
There was a similar book Texas Talkin, was just a pamphlet. That Mojo took and edited a bit.
Mojo’s only made up one over the years. “Crazier than a one eyed tick on a rabid coon dog” the rest he’s picked up from other people.
“Slicker than two eels fucking in a bucket of snot”
“hotter than two foxes fucking in a forest fire.”
“colder than a witch’s tittie in a steel brazier”
Now these aren’t in the book, but variations of them are in the book. Mojo likes to vulgar them up. Send yours to Mojo at email@example.com
“Busier than a one legged man at a Georgia ass kicking contest”
“Busier than a one armed wall paper hanger”
“Busier than a one armed cab driver going down 5th avenue during rush hour with a bad case of the crabs”
“About as useful as a screen door on a submarine”
“Dumber than a box of hot rocks”
“Nutty as a fruitcake”
“That boy could tear up an anvil”
“That man could fuck up a one man rock fight”
“My dick’s harder than Chinese arithmetic”
“My dick’s so hard a cat can’t scratch it”
“About as funny as a barbed wire commode seat”
“Does the pope shit in the woods”
“His ass was so big it had little asses orbiting around it”
“Told her to haul ass and she had to take two trips”
“Her ass was so big a picture of it weighed 50 lbs”
You can check out the Mojo reading list, where this book will be added to, and Mojo excuses me for being behind because my wife was pregnant with twins (which have since been born) and that and work has been getting in the way of updating the site (that and hockey PLAYING, not watching, I have no time to watch, but if you want to check out a buddy’s blog on the perpetually losing NY Rangers, check out http://www.samweinman.com I keep up to date by reading his stuff.)
Email Mojo phrases too at firstname.lastname@example.org
“How low was it, it was lower than a snakes belly in a deep ditch”
“His brain was so small, if you rammed it up a gnat’s ass, it would look like a BB in a box car”
“That same boy couldn’t get laid with a fist full of fifties in a Tijuana whore house”
“Hotter than a $2 pistol”
“Cheaper than a fifty cents steak”
“She looks so fine, I’d suck her daddy’s dick” – that one’s courtesy of Richard Pryor
“Fucked up to the highest level of fuctivity” – Robert Harris
- Plays Ween’s piss up a rope –
Mojo’s got some sad news, Robert Anton Wilson passed earlier this week. Wilson opened up the doors of perception to Mojo.
Wilson wasn’t just a philosopher; he was screwing with your mind. He was seeing life with all its possibilities. Saying that what you don’t know could fill up the world. There’s a play, DVD’s, audio tapes. Say you’re curious. Who set Mojo free? It was Robert Anton Wilson.
To change things up, he plays a clip from Richard Pryor instead of Bill Hicks.
Mojo does a show recap.
Mojo wants to race in the Dakar Rally, originally called the Paris to Dakar race. Starts in Senegal, a road rally race across the desert which now starts in Portugal (into Spain and into Africa) but is through the Sahara desert. It is a timed race, no roads. It is over two weeks, and there are a couple American drivers. They’re showing highlights on Versus. It is one of the most adventurous, with camels and lions and all sorts of wildlife in the background. People living in tents in the middle of the desert and all of a sudden a guy goes by in a dune buggy at 100 mph. It is all shot from a helicopter. So there are these long sweeping shots of cars going through the desert by itself. Cars are flipping over, breaking down. The race had to pause for a day because of local hostilities.
Mojo rode a bike once from California to Virginia. Now could Mojo do it. Well there is some 65 year old Australian riding a motorcycle doing it. So Mojo thinks it might be possible for him to do. It is a challenge to do it. But you go through the Savannah. Super baby-power-like sand. Motorcycles stop and just sink down.